SMILE HAS A REASON.....

smile has reasons for it
not always to show happiness
can veil a agitation in mind
to keep aside  bitterness
to let someone know that i may know you
or to let know that we can be friends
to show that i can be happy anyway
to make some noise in silence
to create another smile
to just memorize something
a experience or memories
or may be on bad-luck.....
or may be on destiny and times eloped
to or to be happy every way
or to forget a tear
to forget a instance or dream
may be to re-collate facts those are scattered
to extract good out of a lousy day
to smile on the next and to reflect the same
may be to restore moments...
there could be several reasons for it
but at the end its single thing...SMILE!!!!

STATE OF MIND

some time clear and precise
blank n vague as well
speaks up when heart stops
rigid and tough decisions
compelling to crawl
cant wake up
conscious or subconscious
yet unknown
works and decides and acts
creating a mesh to engulf
the darkness of dream
doesn't stop in subconscious
plot action motion a broken link
not clear neither precise
profound hangover!!!!!!!!
complicated
whooped whirled
yet to come with another state
not defined
state of mind

MY BROKEN SHADOW........

I thought you were my dream
My life
my breath and whispers
I assumed you were strong
contended with belongings
You dream alike me
you respire to love people
Your eyes spoken what
I wanted to feel
Your words taken me to
world of happiness
Calm breeze, stretch of sand
growing waves, dash of sunset
as if you were there before
lush green paths and desert
long road, turns and length of silence
hand-in-hand walking along with
It may be a story or myth
there was something?or there is?
tried to understand, feel, analyze
bizarre consequences
Volume of soul vibrates
respire on every 'beats'
what happened, what will or will not
'no one is answerable'
' Coz its my story
i will create, adore, adhere
and crush it......
You were subject of my conscious
became character of fantasy
I realized you are nothing
but my broken shadow
shattered delusion
A dead soul within....cant speak!!!!
my own shadow hiding withing.

Rahul and Shivam....

It was eve of 2007 Diwali, we used to have function in office 3-4days prior to Diwali every year. Similar way we had in 2007, there were different games and creative acts for which we had prizes for winners.I was the decoration in-charge where we had function and also I was organizing those gift stuff.So at end of that function I owned almost 150 dairy milk chocolates in various games n stuff and being organizer got few more chocolate packs along with Diwali gift.I love chocolate but it was too much for me to finish;my roomie doesn’t like chocolate a bit so was thinking I will get bored eating same chocolates!!!!!!too much of chocolates………

After 2-3 days of this function it was Sunday; my only week off those days and only time when I use to get time to speak with my roomie bcoz of difference in our office timings.That Sunday when I spoke to her, we discussed entire weeks stuff, what happened what not etc etc.Then she said “yesterday when I was cleaning house I got few pencils which I gave to those kid of presswala.”

I said “that’s good,even I have to rearrange things n pack my stuff before leaving for Eid,I have lots of these kinda stuff from office,was thinking whom to give.I will give it to them”.

Meanwhile doorbell rang.When I opened the wooden door I could see two little bright eyes through our iron gate, of a 7-8year old boy standing with my ironed clothes.When I realized he was saying “Didi aapke kapde”.

I said “oh!thanks”. Then asked him to come little later to take money for it any will give some more clothes.

When he came little later first time I asked him :”What’s your name” ?

He said “Rahul”.

I asked “Do you go to school”?

He said “yes we both go,me and my little brother.We go to school in morning and come back in afternoon.Then only we help our father in ironing work”.

This very statement of his and expression was saying to me that we do belong to a poor family but we know the value of study.I gave back a smile to him.Then I said to him “go give this money to your father and come back after some time also I have something to give you”.He went.

I cleaned by books and rearranged those things meanwhile.Finally got two new diaries,two notebooks,few ball pens,few pencils,sharpener,eraser and drawing scales.Thought its too much for their monthly usage.So apart from a notebook and 2 ball pen; gave rest of the things to Rahul when he came later.

After few minutes doorbell rang again,this time when I opened the door I saw four little bright eyes.I saw Rahul’s brother Shivam a 5-6 year kid.Rahul said “Didi ye mera bhai hai Shivam,isko kuch bolna hai”.

Then he rushed away downstair.Shivam was standing quiet, shy and hesitating to speak up.I asked him twice he didn’t said anything.I gev him a bunch of chocolates from my Diwali gift.He went back.

Again both of them came and this time Rahul said after I asked several times “aapke pass aur ek notebook hai”?I asked “kyun”?He replied “Shivam want a notebook for his homework,the ones with plain white sheet not rulling”.I said “I will get it tomorrow, come after I reach home from office”.I gave them those ball pens and small notebook I kept.Both of them went happy and smiling.I could still remember the expression of their eyes brightness,joy and smile.

My main motto was to clean my belongings and get rid off those old stuff when I first thought of giving those notebooks and pens to them.But at the end they left me contended with my heart full of love for them.Somewhere there was a drop of tear in corner of eyes when I was thinking about them,when they left don’t know why!!I started thinking - we live around people those adore things we throughout.What is useless for us is fulfill someone’s basic needs.Even I went through almost similar phases in my childhood for various things, not too miserable yet unforgettable.

Ansal group has loads of money and I was part of it.While in office was thinking ‘why not make use of Ansal’s stuff for a good and valid cause.I issue many stationary every month from office why not notebooks and more ball pens.And its not going to affect Ansal’s!!!!!Finally I got a notebook for Shivam.I gave it to him with another bunch of Diwali-chocolates.He didn’t said anything but I could see his eyes full of happiness and complete.

After this incident I started noticing those two kids when I walk down to my flat A-289 from “Kendriya Vihar” main gate.Their ironing station was on the way and those two kids usually roam around nearby in evening when I use to come back from office.I noticed they were not notorious kids like most of.They were helping their father yet used to go to school and concerned about studies.Their mother use to work as housemaid in our society flats.Those kids were sober and quiet.Not too happy or sad, poor though not dirty always cleaned and proper.I liked them too much don’t know why.

I used to fulfill their requirements whenever they said we need pen or pencil or notebook.Initially it was with shy and hesitation later it became request then my duty.I use to do it with all my love.I could remember I was never irritated,pissed off or annoyed with their demands.I used to steal from Ansal’s property and sometime purchased too.But somewhere I was greedy,I loved to see them happy and contended.Which used to give pleasure without any glitch.They become comfortable with me.They used to come to our flat for clothes for me or my roomie.And I shared this with Arunima too, my roomie.She was happy to hear that.

I felt to be in a relationship with them unknowingly.A unusual human bonding with no expectations.

Most of those days when I used to come back from office in evening 6pm.Rahul used to accompany me from “Kendriya Vihar” our society gate to A-289 talking few things or quiet and moving with his bicycle.Then he used to fetch me milk or bread in evening when I wasn’t feeling like or too tired to walk down to society shop.

I had chicken pox in 2008 Feb.I was bedridden and almost dying.People say I met death almost when recover from a major accident.That chicken pox was like same for me,I almost died I couldn't that I will survive.There was point I thought if I will die it will take 3days after that for my burial,because I stay too far it will take time for my father to take away my dead body home.Anyways, I am going other way now.

So, those days Rahul’s family cleaned my clothes everyday.Their profession was only ironing but when my roomie asked about washing clothes they said we will arrange it.They took money for, but religiously Rahul used to come to give and take my everyday clothes and stuff to clean.It touched me somewhere.After few days when my roomies mother came she said I should have drumstick cooked,its good for health.I used to be almost 60kg, aftr chiken pox I reduced to 50kg.Thin and emaciated.Then one evening I asked Rahul where can I found drumstick.I explained him every way possible bcoz I didn’t knw what they call in Haryanvi.He went out to search in entire Sec-56 and wazirabad.Finally came back to say I found it in wazirabad its Rs. 10 for 4 pieces.Give me Rs. 10 I will fetch for You.

That wasn’t a special moment but yet was something which touched my heart.May be because there are only few people who has really cared for my words,concerned about my needs and taken pain to fulfill it and see me happy.I was in love with that kid.

I used to give them stuff.Even he used to come to our flat to ask if we need milk and bread like things.Those kids gave me love and respect and apnaapan. One day when I went to fetch my clothes given for ironing Rahul’s father said – “Rahul was saying he need a pen and a notebook, these teachers asked for in school”.It wasn’t shrude or demand in his expression or tone.Rather was a request to me if I can fulfill.I did so next day with my greedy heart to see them happy and smiling.

And finally after few months I decided to come back to my hometown.When I was packing up my things I searched for every bit of things can be used by them or they will like.Even got few new notebooks,pen,pencils and other stuffs.When last time I called Rahul and gave it to them I was too emotional that I will not be able to see them or give any things to them anymore.When I gave those stuff Rahul said”abhi to nahi chahiye ye sab”

I told him “iske baad aur kuch mein nahi de paaungi mein.Bas ye last time de rahi hun”.

He was expressionless couldnot understand or feel anything.Gazing at me with surprise.

I said “mein apne ghar wapas jaa rahi hun”.

He asked with smile “kab wapas aaoge”?

I said “shayad kabhi bhi nahi.”

I don’t know what he understood whether or not he could feel that I am not happy saying that.He was gazing at me for few more seconds and went back.But I could see him with his usual smile.I wanted to hug him and say that I love both of you.But didn’t.I didn’t have camera phones those days, could have got a pic of them for keepsake.

Wherever I went I always talked about them to my friends or acquaintances, they say ‘you are so bore.Why do we think so much about little things’ But I feel that’s the way I love my self to be.And I like it about myself.People don’t understand it.

When they will grow up,they might forget these instances.But these times were very close to my heart and very special to me.I pray they live their life happily. Those two kids have special place in my heart I wont be able to forget them.Without any reason my heart is full of love for them and still they are part of my good memory and best relationship.

Before I sleep

Have to take a long walk
may be a long conversation with my soul

have to claim for identity
for ounce of tender light
for ambiguous mind at peace
to clutch innocence as well

Need to release a delinquent account
have to understand finer nuances of life
to stir up to form ripples
have to be eloquent every way

Will it be possible, my soul may ask....
seamless thoughts with nameless grace bound to
humid sometimes ruffled
crisp and fragile

A long way to walk
need to cast off dark veil
the way morning azures the earth

A long way to go before i sleep..........

Tommorrow is Another Day

Today lots of thing happened....around me...
I am not able to grasp a breath.....
Some one died nearby...
My friend lost his job...
A nextdoor lady given birth to a child...
a storm destryoed a neighbourhood village....
A new couple got divorced...
A guy met with an accident...
a little girl broken her leg while playing....
a puppy lost his mother....
A new born baby cudnt breath.....
time rushing thru...hrs...mins...secs....
i forgot to take a deep breath and think else...
everything happened....without notice....
i have to go thru it....i cant think of My pain now....
i cant bear my pain as i have no time today...
i will think of it tomorrow...
Coz tomorrow is another day...
A new rising...new rays of sun....
I will take a fresh breath...blink...
and will think of it tomorrow
Coz tomorrow is another day.........

DESTINY Exists....

Had to wake up and was asleep
had to smile when was in anguish
had to memorize when wanted to forget
Had to rub-off, what was a keepsake

Wanted to be with people but left alone
lots other accompanied,when learned to live alone
at verge of success failed badly
was no hopes but won it easily

In a hopeless day got overwhelming surprises
when was waiting for fragment of response
Hopes deceived
Wanted to enjoy themoment
wanted to feel the joy of ecstasy
but time declined

Wanted to play with toys and run around
roll down in sand and splash water to my pet
found i am old enough
wanted to narrate a immaculate 'story' to the world
wanted to understand everything possible
realized too young to do so

wanted to create my own destiny
as everyone does
forgot till-date things happened
most off i never wanted to be
crumbs of time wasn't in my grasp

Its what part of our lives
called Destiny.....
I realized its existence
its tranquil yet unassailable
can not be deciphered till its unveils its mystery

Its what we do not want and we cant stop it
we don't know yet we understand
we want to catch but it slips away
we enact with its transcripts yet cant create it
A nostalgic.... A blissful.... rhythm of life called Destiny